The less than six month assesment

I've been a resident of Colorado for about 4.5 months now. I was thinking about writing up a 6 month assessment, but I figured now was as good a time as any. A large part of this will be about music, since I am about music. And there will be a lot of personal sharing here. If you can't bear to read someone's inner thoughts, stop reading.

The music so far... When I decided to move I had the intention of throwing myself into every music project I found interesting. And that's what I've done. Sometimes I feel in over my head, but when I take a moment to step back and remind myself (or be reminded, thanks Tim) that I haven't been here that long, yet I've done a lot.

• Acoustic gigs with Trinity Demask. I'm accompanying her on guitar (and vocals soon), and she's been kind to let me play some of my songs during intermissions. My solo material has gone over well, and it seems like there aren't many people around here playing my style of acoustic music. 
• Joined the technical metal band Delusionist. The singer/guitarist recently moved from Little Rock, and had a bunch of tunes ready to go. We've pounded out 5 so far. It's kind of a mix of Nevermore, Pain Of Salvation, and Devin Townsend. I'm enjoying it, and it's got me working on my rhythm chops.
• Working with the Stone Soup Soldiers. A studio project mixing all kinds of music from latin to rock to classical. The best way I can describe it is "live loops". I go in, improvise a slew of parts, and the layers are later arranged and mixed. It's a wonderful collaborative process.
• Scoring background music for a stage play. I found a group in Boulder doing a stage play for children, loosely based on Native storytelling. I'm adding orchestrations (strings, winds, etc) to the existing songs which are acoustic rock style. 
• I'm still working on new Strange Land material, solo acoustic material, songwriting submissions for PRP, and some random demos that may or may not make it into a movie or commercial. 

Other work of note, I recently did 12 paintings for my next acoustic cd. With the few I'd done in Milwaukee, that puts me about halfway to my goal. More info on this project later. I'm continuing to release tidbits and archive tracks for Strange Land, while we lay low and regroup for the future. I'm still doing art for PRP, and I've done some business logos for some friends. It looks there there will be a mini-comic book style cd booklet I'll be doing on the horizon. And on top of all that, I still have my day job. The long distance work situation is going fine, and lately I've been very busy with that. Like, working at 2am busy.

I love the area and the weather. It's a short walk to look at the mountains and I will never get tired of looking at them. I get out for hikes when I can, though not as often as I'd like. I think the best thing I will like about the weather here is that I won't have to hibernate for 6 months like you do in Wisconsin. Gas is cheaper, most everything is cheaper than Wisconsin because taxes are lower. My neighbors are decent, and the neighborhood is pretty quiet. I've started working out again, hard. I've sort of maintained a flatline in fitness for a few years, but I've dedicated myself to changing that. Half out of a desire for fitness, half as punishment. One of my mental issues...

Even though I haven't been here long, I've still been able to take a long weekend to Utah, and a week to New Mexico. There is nothing more I like than traveling, especially road trips. I'm enjoying the fact that I now live much closer to the places I like driving to best. No offense to the people of Nebraska and Iowa, but that drive sucks.

But, of course not everything is great. Someone once told me you can't run away from yourself. I knew this was true, and I knew some reckoning would come. Lately it has come. I had to leave Wisconsin for many reasons, one of which was to separate what was me (that needed to be worked on) and what wasn't me. I've pretty much got that sorted out, and I feel like I'm crawling out of a dark hole sometimes. I've made close acquaintances with my own demons so I'm better at knowing when they are trying to take over. Many of you know I don't drink (except for the occasional glass of wine with friends who know why I don't drink alone). I've never been an alcoholic but addictions run deep in my family. I don't drink because I know I like alcohol. I don't drink because I actually have to tell myself not to buy some at the store. I've been depressed enough to have sympathy for people who decide crawling into the bottom of a bottle is a better way to deal with life. I am glad to only be addicted to coffee.

I think it's true that one must love oneself, and it's good to feel ok being single, to really be in a place to have a relationship. For the most part I am there, but there is still a space that I'd like to fill in my life. I may be busy, but that doesn't make me feel less lonely. Part of it is that I'm so busy. Part is that I've always been a solitary creature. Sometimes I need to be alone, to think, create, recharge. But at the same time, it's hard when I can't sleep at 3am and there's no one else there. I like being alone, but I don't like being lonely.

During and after my divorce I spent time assessing all the things I was doing, making sure I still wanted to do them. Mostly, I've got all that down, but I still question my motives from time to time. The edge is off my enjoyment of these activities because there is no one to share my inner self with. I've attempted dating out here, meet some great people. But my assessment is also that everyone out here is so fiercely independent they can't figure out how to make room for someone in their lives. I've concluded that I just need to wait, keep doing what I do (since I am the job), and hope someone finds me. I am an odd mix of characteristics and someone is just going to have to discover me. I've attempted to make friends, but no luck so far. I did come to the realization, after joining some meetup groups, that having only one big thing in common with some people has no bearing on whether you'll get along. My few close friends I have are a widely varied bunch, and we are bound by music in some way or other. I'm sticking to musicians.

I am of the opinion that the universe is utterly indifferent to my existence. My satisfaction with life is up to me. I'm mostly there. But I am annoyed that there may be parallel universes out there with really happy versions of me. Those guys probably aren't musicians though. I am annoyed at the near misses I've had, meeting someone I could be happy with, but shortly after realizing I had to move and there was nothing that could stop me. I am annoyed at meeting someone who, as far as I can tell, is everything I could ever want... except for one massive roadblock, thus likely closing that door forever. I don't want to just be the job. I would like a little more than that.

Overall, life is good, it's just missing something. Where would my songwriting be without a little bittersweet tinge to life. I get the occasional reminder that I haven't been here all that long. I am almost infinitely patient with others, and I have none for myself. From time to time I just have to go look at the snow covered mountains, in the late October sun, and smile.